Happiness is a warm gun

You’re my yellow

I’ve never understood this quote I read before. It was about missing someone even when they are right in front of you. I felt that it was just a melodramatic expression of how much you miss someone. But recently I’ve experienced it twice in a row.
On thursday when I met up with the girls for dinner and I just felt like I was overwhelmed by the accumulation of every single time I missed them. It was as if at that moment I missed them repeatedly, from the start of j1 till after jc, till the present. It struck me how alone I feel at that moment. How lonely I would feel being in different schools, faculties and courses. How I wouldn’t be assured knowing that they are near me. Physically or emotionally. It’s as if I feel the ache of separation when we haven’t always be physically close to each other before considering how far our schools are. I hate that feeling. Hate feeling reliant, It makes me want to run back to familiarity. No, appeal to fass, your friends are all there. You can’t be in pfm all alone. It’s scary. People I love scare me. Just like how I can not defy my parents’ wishes to go Nus. What they want eventually becomes what I want. There’s nothing I want more than what they want from me. Does that make sense? I always felt like I was independent but I’m so reliant on people I love. Like I need them more than they need me, like if I need them at times they can’t be there I would be totally helpless and hopeless. I feel weak.
Today I had dinner with Sharon and I think that feeling intensified. By the kindness of fate we have been in the same school for 12 years. Most of the times we were in different classes and had way different schedules but knowing she’s somewhere near me is more than a sense of comfort. It’s security. Someone I can run to, a rock, my pillar. It will be the first time we are in different schools and it’s scary. Can I really make it without Sharon?

I can’t believe how I’m psyching myself out of the excitement of uni life, meeting new people, learning new stuff, experiencing a different sort of student life. How can I truly enjoy uni life without every single one of my close friends with me? It’s so tiring. Missing people, missing people who are right with you, missing people who are away.

That’s why love is hard. The ache of separation and letting go burns pieces of you away.

It’s okay. I have my girls in Nus. I can pull through. I just have to step out of my comfort zone. Or go running back to them. Yes. It’s really not that hard.